


Time to Let Go

by Daretodream66



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Captain America Bucky Barnes, Idiots in Love, M/M, Nomad Steve Rogers, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Self-Doubt, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Therapy, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 08:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23468752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daretodream66/pseuds/Daretodream66
Summary: After Bucky comes out of cryo in Wakanda, Steve realizes something very important.  It's not what you think.  He already knew that.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 17
Kudos: 174





	Time to Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm still stuck in Steve's mental health hell. I hope to pull myself out of it, but in this one, he takes a journey that maybe he needed to take. I swear that my next one isn't going to be one of these.

Steven Grant Rogers, AKA Captain America, is a complete idiot. He knows this about himself. It’s an accepted facet of his psyche. He was an idiot in 1934 when he realized that what he was feeling for Bucky, his best friend, his only friend, was more than a guy should be feeling for his very guy friend. 

He was an idiot in 1943, when after rescuing said best friend, he almost kissed him. He’s pretty sure that Bucky saw that aborted move, but brushed it off as relief. 

He was an idiot in 1945, when just before zip lining onto a moving train; he’d almost told Bucky straight out that he’d loved him for the last 10+ years. That he was _in_ love with him. Of course, seeing how that situation went, he wishes he had. 

He was an idiot in 2014, when he’d almost said those words again, while being beaten to death by the Winter Soldier. When he plummeted all that distance into the Potomac, thinking he was going to die there, he’d again, wished he’d said those words. 

In 2016, standing in the back of a Quinjet in Siberia, Bucky had smiled and Steve’s knees had gone weak. He’d had another close call with those words and the kissing issue, but as always, he’s shown his cowardice and not said or done anything. By the time Bucky decided to go back into cryo in Wakanda, Steve had given up hope that he would ever say or do anything. 

It was Bucky’s choice and Steve sure as hell wasn’t going to take that away from him, so he’d kept his mouth shut again and given Bucky the dignity he deserved. And here he is, in 2017, Bucky’s trigger words have been deactivated, he’s been given a new arm, and Steve is in a local market, on the streets of Wakanda, talking to a local farmer about the strange fruit in his hand. 

Steven Grant Rogers is, in fact, an idiot.

Bucky has been going to therapy sessions with a young doctor, suggested by T’Challa, and doing much better. Steve caught him a few nights ago teaching Wanda a dance from the 1940’s and he’d been laughing with her. Laughing, for god sakes. When Steve is around, that doesn’t happen. Bucky smiles at him, but never laughs outright. He teases and taunts Sam and Clint and Scott and for crying out loud, even the King himself, but not Steve. 

So, Steve makes himself scarce. That way Bucky can relax because that’s the problem really. When Steve is around it’s like Bucky’s on his best behavior or something equally ridiculous. 

Steve is well aware that Bucky isn’t the same person anymore. Hell, _he’s_ not the same person anymore. And he doesn’t expect _his_ Bucky to ever come back completely and you know what, he’s okay with that. At least now, Bucky will have a chance to live a life. If that means he fights with the other ‘Avengers’ then great, if he never wants to fight again, that’s great too. He doesn’t really care what Bucky chooses to do as long as Bucky is happy. 

And that is the crux of the matter. Steve knew in the 30’s that Bucky would meet a nice girl at some point, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. The thing about that was that for a long time Steve figured he’d be dead. He wasn’t supposed to live past 25 with all of his ailments. Now, well now Steve is going to have to watch all that happen and live with it. 

He was reminded of that as he watched Bucky swing Wanda around the common living area of their shared floor in the palace. In his heart, Steve really hopes that does happen because Bucky will be happy. In a much darker corner of Steve’s twisted heart he knows it will be what kills him. That once it happens, Steve will take any and every mission that Wakanda or anyone else asks of him and he won’t think twice, or even once, about putting himself in harm’s way. Because seriously, Bucky really is about 90% of Steve’s impulse control. He’ll jump out of planes without parachutes and throw himself on grenades. Because again, Steve knows when Bucky meets someone, his heart will close off and he’ll have nothing left. 

It’s dramatic, but Steve’s never been one for doing things halfway.

So, as he leaves the market, he heads to his therapist. One on the other side of the city, one that Shuri recommended. He asked her not to share that information with anyone and she assured him that it would only be known if he chose to share it.

“What would you like to talk about today, Captain?” Steve is standing at the window of his therapist’s office wondering what normal people talk about. She’s good, she never pushes.

“Well I thought we could talk about the fact that I’m thinking of leaving Wakanda.” She’s surprised. Yeah, he figured she would be since she and everyone else knows that he’s still a wanted man and that he’s wanted because he gave up everything for Bucky. Only she knows what that last part really means. What’s the point of having a therapist if he’s not going to tell her everything she needs to know to help.

“What makes you think that you might wish to leave?”

He sighs and his shoulders slump. “I think it’s safer.”

“For who?”

“For me.” When she doesn’t speak, he turns to her. She’s indicating the chair across from hers. He takes a seat.

“Tell me what you mean by that.” Gripping the arms of the chair tightly he begins telling her everything he’s been thinking since he woke up in a world that didn’t make sense. He tells her again how he feels about Bucky. He tells her about how Bucky acts around him and how Bucky will meet someone someday and what Steve will do when that happens. By the time he’s finished, he’s exhausted. “What would happen if you talked to him about this?”

“No.” And he won’t, not ever. Bucky is finding himself and he doesn’t need Steve’s problems on top of his own. He tells her this and waits.

“I agree with you, but I am also concerned for your safety. What you have said worries me.” She pours a glass of water and hands it to him. “He is in a fragile state, building his life back from fragments and new experiences. It may be best that you do not say these things to him just yet.” 

“So what should I do?” He’s really hoping for an answer, but gets what he expects.

“I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you that if you decide to leave, do not leave without an explanation to your friend.” She gets up and comes to sit next to him. “If you leave him without some kind of reason, he will feel abandoned and it could undo some of the work he has done to this point.” She smiles and he tries to return it.

When he returns to their floor at the palace everyone is in the kitchen fixing dinner. There is music, chatter, and laughing. Steve hears Bucky telling a story about the Howlies that has everyone doubled over in laughter. He smiles to himself and goes to his room. Lately, no one seems to notice his coming and no one will notice his going. He doesn’t blame them, on the contrary, he feels that they all have a right to be angry at him for what he let happen. Those in the kitchen have a shared experience that Steve will never understand. Breaking them out of the Raft, that was what Steve had to do, but what put them on the Raft was Steve’s hubris.

He sits at his desk and calls Pepper. He’ll never tell the others that he’s been in contact with anyone from home, but he couldn’t leave things as they were. So, he figured the quickest way to start to fix things was through Pepper, who is always level-headed and willing to hear everyone out. Because of that, they have formed an unexpected friendship and when he’d told her how he felt about Bucky, she softened and told him that knowing that, she could see both sides of this situation.

He lets it ring twice, hangs up and waits. His phone rings and he picks up immediately. “Pepper?”

“Steve, it’s been a few days. Is everything okay?” He sighs. “Uh oh, what’s happened?”

Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath. “I have to leave here, Pepper and I need help.”

“Tell me.” She’s always so no nonsense and Steve can appreciate that.

“He’s making such great progress as long as I stay out of the way. I’m not needed here. I need to leave so he can keep getting better without me hovering.” He sits in the chair at his desk and looks out at the jungle.

“Are you sure that’s the best thing for him?”

“It’s like with me here, when he sees me, he tries to be the guy from before. He has to find himself and I’m just making that harder for him.” He rubs his brow, saying all of the things he’s been thinking.

“Won’t you leaving make it harder for him?”

“They don’t even know when I’m here and when I’m not here. When I went on that mission with T’Challa last month, he didn’t even know I was gone for two days. I’m not what he needs.” He knows his eyes are getting red rimmed and sniffles quietly.

“Maybe he’s not what you need.” He starts to make an argument, but she keeps talking. “I just mean that maybe being so close with how you…feel, isn’t good for you.”

“Will you help me?”

“What do you need?”

Taking in to account that he has access to their Quinjet and has an idea of where he’s going to go, he says the only thing he knows for sure he doesn’t have. “Money.”

After everyone is in bed that night, Steve sits down with a duffle at his feet and starts the letter.

_Buck,_

_By the time you get this, I’ll be gone. You deserve to find out who you are now. Yeah, I know you aren’t the same guy and that’s okay because this guy you are now, he’s pretty okay. Tell the others that I had to go. Like you, I’m not sure who I am anymore and I need to find out._

_This has nothing to do with the Shield. This has to do with me. When I took Dr. Erskine’s serum I didn’t have time to figure out who I was in this new body. Now I don’t have the weight of Captain America on me and I need to find out if I even like who Steve is anymore. Truth be told, I’m not sure I ever liked who Steve Rogers was. There’s a phone on my desk. Tony has the number. Give the phone to Sam and tell him that if Tony calls tell him...tell him the truth._

_You are my best friend. Everything I’ve done all the way back to when we were kids, I would do again. You are an amazingly strong person, Buck, and I want you to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted. It’s all I still want. Please be happy. When you feel up to it, find someone that makes you happy and give them everything I know you have in you. I’m sure, someday, we’ll see each other again. Maybe by then, you’ll have that white picket fence that you always deserved and I’ll be happy for you._

_Always_

Steve grabs his duffle, slips the note under Bucky’s door and heads to the hanger. The guards acknowledge him, but don’t ask any questions. As many times as Steve has been down here, heading out on one mission or another, they are used to this. Steve enters the coordinates and leaves Wakanda behind.

It’s November, five months since Steve left Wakanda and settled in the last place he figured anyone would look. He walks the market and buys fresh vegetables for the stew he’s making. He stops at the newsstand across the street and buys a paper, then makes the trek back up all those flights of stairs to his apartment. There’s no evidence of the fight that happened in these halls and having this apartment does something nice for his mental stability. 

His mental stability has been in question for months now. He’ll go from having a good day to having a really bad day. No one bothers him and he prefers it that way. Not dealing with people makes it easier to deal with the grief he has over not seeing Bucky every day. He knows this is what a broken heart feels like and there are days that he’s sure the serum is failing and he’s slowly dying.

The apartment is small, like the one he and Bucky shared when they were much younger. And the fact that at one point Bucky lived here makes it more home than any place has been since he came out of the ice. He’s redone most of the inside with paint and nicer furniture. Pepper sent him an account number and all the information he would need to access the money. She sent him enough money that he wouldn’t have to worry about a job for a long while. He’s sent a few coded messages to her since coming here. He doesn’t tell her where he is, just that he’s safe. Over the five months he’s learned some Romanian. He’s not fluent by any means, but he’s getting there. He thinks Bucky would find that funny.

Since he’s been here, he’s found a gym that meets his unique needs. The guy that runs it doesn’t act like he knows who Steve is, but every now and again there’s a glint, like he knows. Steve tries to take his aggressions out at the gym, but he’s found that his emotions are volatile sometimes. There are days he looks in the mirror and doesn’t know the guy looking back at him.

Opening the door to his apartment he knows immediately that someone is there. Steve has been at this long enough to know that if someone is here, it’s probably someone he doesn’t want to see. He drops the bags at the door and starts slowly into the living space.

“You know Rogers, this was probably one of your better moves.” Natasha is sitting at the table looking through his sketch pad. The hair on the back of his neck stands up and his instinct is to rip the sketch book away from her. She has no right to go into his personal belongings this way. “No one would have thought to look for you here.” She looks up and the smirk fades. “No one, but me anyway.” He doesn’t look like she expected. His hair is longer and he’s sporting a beard. There’s something feral in the look and his eyes don’t help calm her like they normally do.

Steve picks the bags back up. “Yeah, well it took you 5 months, so I wouldn’t get too high and mighty if I were you.” He puts the bags on the counter. “Who knows I’m here?”

“Why? Planning on running again?” She’s watching him and honestly not sure whether he’s going to run or not. Besides the beard and the slightly darker hair, there’s something different about him. He’s always been serious, too morally superior. This is different; this is an intensity that shakes Natasha to the bone. This is not Captain America. She doesn’t know this guy.

“Answer the question.”

“No one knows you’re here. I wanted to be sure you weren’t just passing through.” Suddenly he seems more dangerous than she ever thought he could be. His eyes darken and he balls his hands into fists.

He hasn’t even looked at her. Like Steve doesn’t see her as enough of a threat to keep an eye on her. “You will leave here. And you will stop looking for me.”

There’s an almost unnoticeable movement by her right hand. She’s suddenly aware that maybe bigger weapons would have been a good idea. The unease of the situation sets her fight or flight mode on high alert. “And if I don’t agree.”

He’s there before she can even get her footing. This guy moves lightening quick and with reflexes that are beyond what she’s used to. She knows that he had trained with T’Challa’s guards in Wakanda, but she didn’t expect this. “Then I’ll just leave here and make sure you don’t know where.” She’s usually more schooled than this, but this stranger has her unnerved. His hands are keeping her in place and his body is pressing her to the wall, keeping her immobile. She tries everything to get footing, but nothing works. She’s only been in this situation a handful of times, but never has she felt fear at the hands of this man. Clint was right. Something is definitely not right in Steve’s head.

“Steve, Steve please.” She’s never been one to beg, but this isn’t just any situation. 

He releases her and goes back to the bags on the counter. “Don’t push me Natasha and don’t try to gain the upper hand. I’m not playing anyone’s games anymore.”

It’s like a slap in the face. “What the hell has happened to you?” She’s rubbing her wrists.

He’s looking around the apartment longingly. “I guess I’ll have to leave here now. I really like this place.”

“You don’t have to leave. I won’t tell anyone where you are, but you have to know that Barnes and the others are the reason I’m here.”

It’s like he’s not even listening. And even the use of Bucky’s name didn’t get a reaction. This is worrisome. 

She tries to go to him and he backs away from her. “Steve, what happened to you?”

“None of your damn business.” And he raises the gun and shoots her. He carries her to the bed and lays her down. Knowing she can still hear what he’s saying because of her tolerance to sedatives, but knowing when it finally knocks her out, the tranquilizer in the dart will last for at least 16 hours. That’s enough of a head start. “You have to stop looking. You have to go and tell them that I’m not coming back. Please Nat, all of you have to let me go. I’m not…” Steve chokes for a minute. He’s not cried in months. Seeing Nat just reminds him of everyone else, in particular, Bucky. “Tell Bucky, tell him he’s the most important thing to me and that I did this so he could be safe and happy. I wasn’t making him happy. Never could, I guess, but the others were and he deserves that.”

Throwing everything into his duffel, he’s out the door and gone again. Fourteen hours later Natasha wakes with a pounding head and pulls out her phone. “Clint, yeah it’s me. Put me on speaker.” She gets his go ahead. “We have a big problem people. This guy isn’t like the Steve we knew. Hell, he barely looks like our Steve. He’s farther gone than any of us knew.”

“Nat, it’s been almost 18 hours since we heard from you. What took so long to take him in?”

She laughs humorlessly. “Take him in? I don’t think you understand. He got the drop on me and I’ve been unconscious for about 14 hours.” She hears the series of expletives from the other end. “So, what’s our next move?”

The village that Steve ends up in is on the western coast of Iceland. It almost feels that is hasn’t been touched by time and being new in town, he’s the topic of conversation. Everyone speaks English here, although not their native language, but Steve also meets a man in a small café that speaks Romanian. He and Steve form a tentative friendship and it allows him to use the Romanian he’s already learned. It’s February and Steve’s taken a small house on the outskirts of the village. It’s very small, probably no bigger than the apartment in Romania, but it’s clean and quiet. He’s still got plenty of money, but he has started working. It’s not about the money, it’s about a life. Working on the boats, hauling in fish, is hard work, but the physical labor helps to sooth his mind. He also helps one of the older ladies in town, who reminds him of Winnie Barnes, remodel the sunroom off the back of her house. She is good with tools, but not so good with heavy lifting. It’s a nice, quiet life and no one has come looking for him. 

He still trains, just in case he needs to be ready if all of this crashes down. He’s more settled now. When Natasha found him, he was still wrestling with his heart. He’s calmer now, determined. That isn’t to say that he still doesn’t have days that nearly cripple him, but on those days, he runs. Sometimes he runs for so long, he has to sleep under the stars. 

What he isn’t expecting comes on, of all days, February 14th. A helicopter lands just outside of town. There has been a rumor that a company had purchased the laboratory complex 25 miles down the coast from the village. What Steve isn’t prepared for is to look up from the counter in the coffee shop he’s having breakfast in to come face to face with Pepper Potts.

“We should talk.” There’s no judgment, no accusatory tone, no anger or upset, just Pepper being efficient. They sit at a table near the window. Steve seats himself in the corner so he can see the entrance and the street. Pepper slides a photo across the table. It’s him, near the lab complex. He had been in a bad place a few weeks back and gone for a run. The run turned into something more and he’d found himself very far from the village. “There are drones at the complex and they took this.” She reaches for his arm and he pulls back. “I didn’t show it to Tony or anyone else.”

“Why?”

She’s looking out the window, so Steve does another sweep of the street trying to see if there’s someone out there he needs to worry about. She seems to just be in thought. “Because if you don’t want to be a part of their lives anymore, I think you have the right to make that choice. You’ve given too much already. You don’t owe anything to anyone, but…” She doesn’t finish the sentence. He reaches across the table and takes her hand.

“Thank you.”

“You don’t owe me anything either. I just wanted you to know that this photograph had been taken, that Stark Industries is the company that bought the complex and on the off chance that Tony ever visits here, you needed to know.” She starts to get up to leave.

“Pepper?” He’s kind of unsure because she used to be the type to try and help. That doesn’t seem to be the case.

“Again, you don’t owe me anything.” Her eyes are down even though her head is still held high.

“What if I wouldn’t mind owing you?” He sits back in his chair and waits.

She sits again and folds her hands on the table. “Why Steve?” Then she looks him dead in the eye. “I had a visit with Natasha.” She a little fidgety now. “I also didn’t tell Tony about that.”

“Keeping your own secrets?” He smirks a little.

“Don’t be smug. It doesn’t suit you.” He chuckles and she joins in after a few seconds. 

Steve has calmed a bit. He still doesn’t want to go back and he doesn’t completely trust anyone that is or was an Avenger. Mainly because they all want something from him: his leadership, his confidence, they want Captain America. He knows that makes him an ass and he knows that those in Wakanda followed him into this mess willingly because he was their friend and leader, but seeing how, over the months that they were there, it was so easy for him to disappear into the background without anyone questioning it makes him think that they blame him. And they are right too. He should have done this alone and never dragged them into it. But he also knows that it means he and Bucky would have been alone and he would never do that to his best guy. Bucky deserves these people in his life. He deserves to have friends and family and that’s what Steve gave him. 

By leaving, Steve allowed Bucky to find himself and not be defined by Steve’s vision of who he should be. This is what he tells Pepper. By the time he’s done, she’s sniffling.

“This would be easier if you were really an asshole.” She’s staring out the window again.

“I am an asshole. I’m also just trying to do right by him.” They talk for several hours about his feelings for Bucky, Pepper and Tony getting engaged, and the state of the pardon that Steve hopes will come through for everyone in Wakanda. 

“They are going to pardon everyone, including Bucky, but it’s the whole political bullshit in Washington and Secretary Ross is being more difficult than he should be.” She pauses. “They need a scapegoat and until they have one, it’s rocky at best.”

Steve smiles and shakes his head. “They have a scapegoat, Pepper. They have me.” She’s looking at him in stunned silence. “Tell them to put everything on me. Let the others go home.”

“No, no Steve that would mean…”

“It would mean I can’t go back. Yeah, I know, but I don’t have a home anyway and this way everyone else can.” He points at her phone. “Come on Pepper, start filming.” She’s shaking her head, but picks the phone up. Pointing it at Steve, she nods. 

Pepper is devastated by what he says. Little bits of Steve Rogers are still there, but this guy is lost in a way that should never have happened. This guy has no idealism left, no belief in himself and very little in anyone else.

Steve walks Pepper back to her helicopter, she hugs him good bye, and tells him the beard suits him. He walks away without looking back and when she looks one last time, he’s pulled out his phone. She knows that he will not be in this village in a few hours. He’ll be in the wind again.

It’s May and Steve is in New Zealand. He’s been here a few months and took a cottage as far from town as he can get. It takes two hours to get into town and so he only goes every couple of weeks for supplies. His beard is fuller now and he’s settled into the life of a reclusive artist. He’s resigned with himself now, more in tune with what he needs. He’s also come to a place where he can love Bucky and not be angry that his love isn’t returned. It’s a comfortable kind of feeling to wake up with every day, knowing that someone is out there that holds his heart and instead of getting frustrated or depressed, Steve just enjoys having that much.

Just after moving into the cottage a stray wandered up. Steve’s always been a sucker for animals. So, when he goes to town, she goes too. He names her Becca, after Bucky’s sister and he’s not sure what kind of dog she is, but she’s pretty and loves him. Around the same time that Becca showed up the news blew up with a video of Captain America confessing his crimes. It’s the least he could do for his friends, for his Bucky.

The more time he spends alone the more he’s able to sort out everything he’s been feeling. He loves Bucky. What was an adolescent crush has grown, matured, and evolved into something magical. If he were a man for romance he would even venture to say that Bucky is his soul mate. Too bad it didn’t run both ways. He’s also been able to come to terms with the fact that _this_ is his life now. Moving from place to place. Staying ahead of the authorities and anyone he might know. He loves Bucky and will do this forever if it means he can be safe and happy. 

A committee has been convened to decide the fate of the “fugitives.” Just as he’s about ready to head into town with Becca his phone rings. He answers knowing it can only be one person.

“Pepper?”

“They accepted the deal. They’re coming home.”

“I can’t thank you enough.” He’s breathing hard and realizes that he’s having a panic attack. He’s had them before and sits on the ground. Becca climbs into his lap and he starts petting her. He hangs up the call and just sits in the dirt with his dog in his lap.

As it turns out when those in Wakandan arrive in New York the other Avengers are waiting. The Quinjet lands in the field just north of the compound and when the ramp lowers no one, but Bucky, can keep their excitement at bay. Tony has flown in Laura and the kids, Natasha is with them, he’s also flown in Cassie and Hope. When the ramp settles everyone is off and running. Bucky is the last off and Pepper makes her way to him quickly enveloping him in a hug that would make Steve proud. “Thank you.” He mumbles into her shoulder.

“Hey Buckaroo, don’t be trying to steal my girl.” Tony smirks as he says it.

Bucky looks up startled, but sees the smirk. “I promise one thing Mr. Stark, I will never take anything from you again.”

It’s heartbreaking, but honest and Tony can’t keep the tears from welling up. “I believe you. Now, let’s get Cap home too.” Bucky nods and follows the crowd into the complex. He’s awed by the technology and wonders if Howard ever contemplated his son being smarter than his father. Wanda stands in front of Vision, smiling. For the first time in two years, Vision seems content. 

Tony looks at this group that he’s come to think of as family and only one thing is missing. He’s finally come to realize that there were two separate people inside Steve’s body. The one the public saw, the one he had to be and the one that no one except Bucky saw. The guy that took the serum just seemed to be along for the ride sometimes. Tony needs to save that guy, the guy that he didn’t see either until he started to understand the driving force behind the decision that Steve made in Siberia. Pepper has hinted at what it was all really about and although Tony can be thick headed about love sometimes, he seemed to pick up what Pepper meant.

Bucky feels out of place, but tries. Sam doesn’t leave his side, afraid that he will crumble under the pressure. He’s watched his new friend come so far through procedures and therapy, but when Steve left them, Sam had watch Bucky’s tough exterior fall away. 

The Wakandan group had talked about it night after night and come to the conclusion that Steve had been right. They were so caught up in bonding into a family unit, clinging desperately to what they had, that they hadn’t noticed that Steve wasn’t a part of it. Sam and Wanda had felt it almost as much as Bucky. They’d failed and finally Clint had admitted that he did blame Steve for their current state. 

It had been a rough night and it was Scott who had quietly stated that he’d do it all again because it was Steve that had asked. They had all agreed. Then for weeks they’d felt guilty for having been the reason that Steve was lost. Bucky had been inconsolable for a few days because of his part in all of it. Sam and Bucky’s therapist had helped. She’d even come to their floor for daily sessions. Now they sit at the Compound, but there’s no closure because there’s no Steve.

Bucky wanders into the common room kitchen sometime after 2AM. He doesn’t expect to find Pepper dishing up ice cream, looking a little lost and confused. He starts to turn and quietly return to his quarters, but she stops him. “There’s too much ice cream in the bowl for one person. You should help me eat it.”

He stops with his back to her. “I don’t want to disturb you.”

“You aren’t. In fact, you’ll be saving me from going to the gym tomorrow.” He doesn’t turn, but his shoulders relax and she knows he’s going to stay.

“What kind is it?” He finally turns.

“Strawberry.” She grins.

“I could never turn down strawberry.” They sit at the bar, eating from the one bowl. She’s watching him and he knows, but waits until she’s ready to say whatever it is.

“You’re barely holding on to your sanity, huh?” He should have known that she’d be like Peggy, straight to the point.

“That obvious?” He takes another bite and can’t believe he forgot how good ice cream was.

“Yeah, it kind of is. Have you and the others talked about how to get Steve back here?”

He shakes his head while taking another bite. “We’ve talked, but none of us have any idea how to handle this. I mean, we don’t even know where he is.”

She just watches him while eating. “What can I do to help?”

He looks up, locking eyes with her. “You can tell me whatever it is that you keep holding back.”

She freezes with the spoon sticking out of her mouth, then slowly pulls it out. She has to weigh what she knows against holding a friend’s secret. Sitting the spoon down, she looks serious and a little nervous. “He’s in love with you.”

Bucky stops eating all together and turns on his stool to get a better look at her. “Say that again.”

“He’s in love with you and has been most of his life.”

After a few weeks, the group from Wakanda starts training again alongside the other Avengers trying to meld their talents into the larger group. The only problem is that they don’t have a leader. Tony tries, but he just doesn’t have the tactical training to see the whole picture the way Steve did. Bucky watches from the sideline, not wanting to interfere. Each member has talents, but they aren’t being utilized properly. Sam is the best bet for leading the team, but even he has trouble calling the orders to get everyone where they need to be. Given time, he could become the leader they need, but mostly everyone seems to be doing their own thing.

As Bucky watches, he notices weak spots and jots them down to hand off to Sam. After another week, he agrees to wear an earwig, but still keeps his thoughts to himself until he can get them on paper and to Sam. The team keeps looking for someone to bark the orders, not having realized how much they depended on Steve’s leadership. It’s obvious that they all feel the hole.

Then without realizing what’s happening, he starts talking out loud through the earpiece. The others simply start doing what he tells them. Bucky takes on the role of leader and without much thought the others have started following his orders. 

This goes on for a few weeks until one day, as Tony watches the training sessions from his office window with Pepper. “They’re starting to work like a well oiled machine. It’s almost like having Steve out there, but the moves are sharper.” It’s obvious that Sam and the others had trained with T’Challa’s guards too because some of their moves are definitely not Avenger issue. Tony turns and walks away leaving Pepper wondering what he’s up to. 

He goes to the lab to retrieve the object of his focus.

“FRIDAY, retrieve Project Grandpa.” He opens the design on his StarkPad and throws it into the air. Turning it to and fro and then tapping out instructions. It morphs and changes. Then to the plain black of the design a blue star appears.

_Are you sure, Boss?_

“Yeah, I’m sure. Time to completion?”

_Just adding the star will take 8 minutes._

“Get it done. Thanks, FRIDAY.”

_No problem, Boss._

Tony busies himself with other projects and waits.

_Project complete._

“Let’s see it.” The project lowers to work bench and Tony picks it up. The initial project has been done for weeks, but it hadn’t been given any character. Now in matt black with a blue star emblazoned on the front, Tony is pleased. “Balance is good. Do we still have the new harness in storage?”

_While I was working on the paint job I had DUM-E pull the harness._

“You’re always a step ahead of me, FRIDAY.”

_I have to be, Boss, to keep you alive._

“Very funny.” He takes the project and harness out of the workshop and makes his way to the practice field. They are still at it and Bucky has incorporated all of the Avengers into the training. He isn’t actually joining in, but barking orders from the side. “It’s time to get off the sidelines, Cap.” Tony walks up and hands Bucky the Shield and harness. “It’s time to lead the troops.”

Bucky takes the Shield and looks dumbstruck. “I can’t…I’m not…”

“Listen, you’ve been barking orders at these guys for the last couple of weeks and not one of them thought to not do what you were saying. They followed every command and didn’t think twice.” He takes the harness and helps Bucky into it. Then secures the Shield to his back. “I’m going to suit up and we’re going to play war games. Come on, Cap. Let’s see what ya got.” Bucky seems timid at first and definitely isn’t sure about the title. He’d never be Steve, but Tony is right, he has been playing the role.

He’s no Captain America, but maybe, just maybe, he can be Sergeant Barnes.

Sam and the others smile when he takes to the field, especially the Avengers from Wakanda. Clint checks out the shield. “Well alright then, let’s do this.” With a slap to the back, Clint runs off down field, Bucky blushes, looking down at the ground, trying to find the inner strength to do this job as well as Steve.

Sam squeezes his shoulder. “You’re going to do fine. Just trust your instincts.” Bucky nods.

Later that night, Bucky sits in the common room with a soda. He didn’t request the lights because he wanted to see the stars. Late nights, on the roof of his and Steve’s apartment building, they used to watch the twinkling lights in the sky. He remembers.

“What’s got you up so late?” Bucky startles and turns to find Tony, leaning on a pillar with a tumbler of scotch in his hand. “Do super soldiers not sleep?”

Bucky gives a thin smile. “I’ve been having trouble since Steve left.” He made a promise to himself when they took him out of cryo that he was never going to lie to anyone about anything.

“That’s been a long time. Not sure that’s healthy, Terminator.” Tony sits in a chair across from Bucky.

“What’s got you up so late?” Tony smirks.

“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I don’t sleep like other people.” That makes Bucky chuckles. They stay silent for a time, while Bucky stares out the window. Tony watches him closely. Then he asks the question he’s been wanting to ask. “Do you remember doing it?”

Bucky’s shoulders slump and Tony watches as he pulls into himself. For a second, he thinks Barnes will walk away, but then he sees the man take a deep breath and square his shoulders. “I didn’t lie to you. I remember all of them. It’s the one thing that they didn’t wipe.” Bucky rolls the soda can between his hands. “Every face. Every kill.”

There’s more silence. “You know, I watched some of the video of what they did to you.” Bucky’s head jerks up. Tony clears his throat. “I’ve seen some messed up shit and even done some messed up shit, but what they did to you…” Bucky doesn’t know what to say, so he keeps his mouth shut. “What they did to you, it wasn’t human.”

He doesn’t mean for it to come out, but it slips out anyway. “I wasn’t human.”

Something in Tony’s face shifts, like he was waiting for that. “You were always human, they just made you think you weren’t.” Tony looks out at the night. “I can’t take back what happened in that bunker, but I don’t blame you anymore.”

Tears track down Bucky’s face. “He was my friend. His face haunts me the most.”

Tony leans in, tapping Bucky’s knee. “Sometime we are going to sit down and I want you to tell me every embarrassing thing my dad ever did.” Bucky doesn’t speak, but nods.

Steve is in town doing his bi-monthly shopping when he stops at a store front and stares dumbly at the TV in the window. Becca shuffles around his feet and noses at the bag that she knows has her treats. “Just a minute, Becs.” What he sees on the screen makes his stomach sink and his heart stop. There was apparently some kind of attack in London and the Avengers are on scene. Steve guides Becca into the store to see if the sound is up, so he can hear. The store is at a standstill and everyone is watching the TV.

There’s a pause in the news cast where the announcer is touching her earpiece. “It would seem that with the exception of a few strays, the Avengers have the situation under control.” The screen cuts to a London street where Bucky is helping an older gentleman out of a car. In the background Steve can see Hulk carrying a small child to emergency personnel. Bucky waves off a camera crew and runs back into the street to help more people. 

He’s the most beautiful thing Steve has ever seen. His hair is shorter and he’s wearing a black stealth suit with a blue star on the front. The Shield on his back is plain black with a blue star. He dusty and dirty, but still breathtaking. Without realizing it, tears are running down his cheeks and Becca presses into his leg. “Come on, girl, let’s go home.”

He doesn’t have to worry about Bucky anymore. He has his family and all it took was Steve leaving him alone. It’s good. Loading his bags in the jeep, Steve and Becca jump in and start home. It’s November and Steve’s been on his own for well over a year. He’s still in New Zealand because no one has tried to come for him. He knows he’s on the terrorist list and if he’s recognized he’ll to sent to The Raft. He’s okay with it being either way. He’d give up this quiet life and go to prison if it meant Bucky was safe and happy. He’s planning a Thanksgiving dinner for himself, even though it’s not celebrated here. Becca will appreciate it. 

By the time he hears the Quinjet the following day, dinner is on the table and Becca is wiggling around sniffing the air. Sarah Rogers would be proud of her son. They didn’t have a big meal like this when he was a kid because they didn’t have money for it, but they always had an apple pie and Steve made one in honor of his mother.

He dries his hands on a towel and heads outside. It turns out it isn’t a Quinjet, but a larger craft. It doesn’t surprise him that they found him; it really was just a matter of time. The Avengers are filing out and there’s more than Steve was aware of. Faces he knows, many he doesn’t. Steve doesn’t know what to do with his hands, so he shoves them into his pockets.

Becca is barking, but wagging her tail at the same time. She’s not much of a guard dog. Becca doesn’t know who to greet first. She runs to Clint, who kneels down, scratching up and down her sides. Bucky is the last one off the jet. He’ still in uniform with the Shield on his back, he follows Tony, in the latest version of the Iron Man suit. 

Steve looks at Bucky and flushes with embarrassment. God, he loves him so fucking much. Taking a deep breath and willing his heart to stop beating so loud, he smiles. “Welcome.” Natasha looks at him wearily, keeping her guard up considering their last run in. “I know you’re here to take me in, but I just finished making Thanksgiving dinner and really would hate for it to go to waste.” Clint starts towards the house, but Bucky’s hand up stops him. 

“But it’s turkey and dressing, man.” It’s almost a whine. Bucky shakes his head. Steve is half convinced that Clint is going to stamp his foot in protest.

Bucky looks at him. “Steve…”

Before he can get another word out Steve interrupts. “Ya look good, Buck.” He can’t hide it anymore and he doesn’t try to. He knows it’s showing in his face as if he’d said _I love you_ out loud. With where he’s going though, it’s okay that Bucky can see it along with everyone else. “I made my ma’s apple pie. You gotta at least appreciate that.”

Bucky flushes, eyes red-rimmed and a nervous jerk in his left arm. Tony’s helmet fades away, leaving a battle weary Tony Stark. “Steve, it’s good to see you.”

“Is it, Tony? I didn’t think you’d want to see me again.” Steve just assumed that he and Tony would never be friends again. Bucky he can forgive because decades of torture require it, but Steve’s betrayal was bigger, more damaging.

“I’ve had time to come to terms with everything that happened and now that I understand why you did what you did, it makes more sense.” Tony’s blushing, giving a side eye to Bucky. 

Bucky takes a deep breath. “Steve, we have orders to take you in, but Tony and I made a counter proposal and we’re putting you under house arrest at the Compound. Ross doesn’t like it and is fighting it, but if he doesn’t go along with it, they lose the protection we give.” He indicates the rest of the team.

The cuffs are put on, the food is packed up because Clint refuses to leave without it, and Becca and Steve’s belongings are loaded on the jet. There’s a containment unit, much like the one they put Bucky in once upon a time. Steve is strapped into the chair and the cell is closed. Wanda is standing outside the cell and presses the communication button. “I’m sorry, they said the only way they would let us bring you in is if we put you in this.” There are tears on her face as she looks at him.

“It’s okay, Wanda. I didn’t expect anything less.” Becca has taken to Clint and is sitting at his feet being fed pieces of turkey from the container he’s holding.

“Fucking hell, Cap! When did you learn to cook?” He looks up at Steve, realizing what he’s said. Shame is evident considering how long they were in Wakanda and it’s a small piece of information that Clint should have known.

“I’ve always known how, just never used it.” As an after thought. “And don’t call me Cap, you have one of those already.” He grins at Clint. It takes a minute, but Clint returns the smile, but it’s only half-hearted. The flight is long and after a few hours it becomes obvious that Becca isn’t going to settle until she can get to Steve. While some are deliberating what to do, Clint opens the cell and lets Becca in. She settles finally at Steve’s feet and goes to sleep.

“That’s my girl.” Steve smiles at Clint again. “Thanks man.” Clint nods and goes off to sleep somewhere quiet. Since the house, Bucky has come nowhere near the cell. Steve gets it. He’s okay knowing for sure how Bucky feels about him. He leans his head back and tries to sleep some. At some point he must have dropped off because the next thing he knows Becca is being put back in the cell with him. Clint is standing at the controls. 

“I took her to a little alcove so she could do her business and gave her some food. Hope that’s okay.” He seems sheepish, like he thinks Steve will get mad.

“Of course. Thanks.” Becca sits leaning into Steve and he tries to pet her as best he can. She whines. She knows this situation is not good for Steve. “Hey, none of that, girl.” She jumps and puts her paws in his lap and looks him in the eye as if to say, ‘you’re strapped down, it’s not okay.’ “It’s okay. Someone here will take care of you. I did this to myself. I deserve what they are doing to me.” She licks his face causing Steve to miss Bucky and Tony walking up to the cell and over-hearing what he’s said.

“No one deserves this kind of treatment.” Bucky’s voice brings him back to himself. Becca sits at his feet again, but leans heavily into his leg and places her head under his hand. He begins rubbing her ears to comfort them both. “Is she a therapy dog?”

“What? Ah…no, she’s just really in tune with me, I guess.” He looks down at Becca and then back at Bucky. “Someone will take care of her, right?”

“Fuck the dog, Steve! Why aren’t you more concerned about what’s happening here?” Steve can tell that Bucky didn’t mean to lose his temper. He’s looks ashamed of the outburst. “I’m sorry, that was…”

“No, no…it’s okay. I’m just worried about her.” He scratches her again. “I’m not worried about me, I got what I wanted, so what happens to me isn’t really that important.”

“And what is it that you wanted, Steve?” Tony had been standing quiet until then.

Flushing again, Steve takes Becca’s ear again in his hand. “I wanted Bucky to be happy.”

“Well, ya missed the mark on that one, pal.” And Bucky walks away, leaving Steve stunned and confused.

He knows there are places in the Compound that will house and secure Hulk, so when they arrive and he isn’t taken to the basement level for containment, he’s confused. The cell he’s been in is taken into Tony’s lab where it’s opened. Steve is still cuffed to the chair, so when Tony comes into the cell, injecting something into Steve, he’s unclear what is going on. “Tony?”

“Listen Steve, we had to fight long and hard to get this agreement and that’s not to say that Ross won’t find a way to still come and take you. This is what’s best for everyone.” He takes a second needle and does the same thing to Steve’s thigh. “One they know about, one they won’t.”

“I don’t understand, Tony.” Tony seems withdrawn and maybe a little angry.

“Those are trackers. If you try to run, they will find you and we won’t be able to help you if you do. But if they do come for you, they won’t know about the other tracker.” He turns to leave the lab, pressing a button on the cell. The cuffs unlock. “Your stuff and your dog have been put in your old apartment.” With that, he’s gone.

The halls are deserted as he makes his way to his apartment. When he arrives, Sam is waiting. Becca jumps from the couch and runs to him, wiggling around his legs. Bending, he scratches her back and belly. “How’s my girl?” Steve had always wanted a pet growing up, but they could never afford one, so he’d saved scraps to feed to the neighborhood strays. Becca had been a godsend at a time that he truly needed something. He’ll spend the rest of his life thanking her for keeping him sane.

“She’s a good dog.” Sam stands, coming to stand in front of Steve. “I understand.”

Steve looks at the floor, he doesn’t make a pretense of not understanding what Sam is trying to say. “He needed to find his own family without my expectations.”

“I get it. I don’t think you handled it right, but I get it.” He pulls Steve into a hug. “Are you going to tell him?”

Steve huffs, hugging Sam tighter. “No. I don’t have that right anymore.”

Sam pulls away, looking carefully at Steve. “I’m not going to tell you I agree with that, but it’s your business.” He leans down to scratch Becca, then heads for the door. “You’re going to need to talk to someone though.”

He’s unpacking his things and setting the easel up by the window when there is a knock at his door. He calls that it’s open, but doesn’t turn around. “You really are going to use your time painting?” 

Steve turns to see Wanda leaning against the door frame. She seems comfortable, but guarded. “That a question?” 

She shakes her head. “Not really. Just an observation.”

He huffs a quiet laugh. “Yeah well, this is what I do now. I paint, cook and take the dog for walks.” He reaches down and rubs Becca’s face.

“So what, you’re going to be the Avengers’ housewife?”

There is it, the snark and challenge. “I’m not going to be anybody’s anything. I figure if I behave myself, they’ll let me out of this high tech prison.”

“So you can run again?” There’s a crack in her practiced armor. 

“I’m not running anymore, Wanda. I’m just not sure I belong here, with all of you, anymore.”

And the armor falls away. Tears form in her eyes. “When Pietro died, you became like a brother to me. An older brother whose expectations I wanted to live up to.” She wraps her arms around her body. “You came for me, for us, in that awful prison and gave us a home in Wakanda. Then one day, you just weren’t there anymore.” She’s crying now, but maintaining her control. “We looked everywhere for you! You hurt Natasha! Why? Why would you do that?”

He walks towards her, but stops a few feet away, giving her a chance to reject him. She throws herself into his arms and he catches her. “I’m sorry Wanda. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I just didn’t know where I fit anymore.”

She cries for a few minutes, then raises her face to him. “Of everyone I would have understood those feelings.” She buries her face in his chest again. “You could have come to me. You did so much for me and I would have given back to you, if you’d asked.”

“I know.” He rubs her back. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I’m really, truly sorry.”

It’s muffled, but he can hear her. “Just don’t do it again.” He laughs at her attempt to sound parental and she joins him.

“Yes ma’am.”

It’s dusk, weeks later and Steve is sitting on the floor by the window eating a sandwich staring out at the Compound that used to be home. Becca has made herself at home on the sofa. He’s been sitting for awhile now, just staring. It kind of feels like he’s not in control anymore and truthfully, he’s not. He’s made a point to stay in his apartment and out of the way. His hope is that if he stays out of the way, Bucky will forget he’s here. He’ll keep living his new life and Steve will be a distant memory. 

Steve misses New Zealand. He misses his little cottage in the middle of nowhere. He misses sitting outside, drinking his coffee and sketching Becca chasing a butterfly. He misses closing his eyes and seeing Bucky smiling at him, in all of those fantasies that he felt okay about having since he’d never see Bucky again, but now, now he can’t let himself do that. He can’t disrespect a man that’s just a floor away.

He misses being in his tiny kitchen learning new recipes. He misses being Grant Barnes instead of Steve Rogers. Yet, here he is and if this is his life now, he has to get used to it. There are so many Avengers now. He doesn’t even know who some of them are. They have a capable leader in Bucky. And that uniform looks really good on him. He wears it well. That thought brings on a whole new set of problems, but it’s interrupted.

“Planning your escape?” Tony comes into the room without knocking or invitation, same old Tony.

“No, just thinking.” Steve doesn’t get up, just turns and leans against the window.

“I could see you smiling in your reflection, so I’m guessing it was about Buckaroo.” Straight to the point.

The man is just as frustrating as ever. “Come on Tony, just once, try not to be an ass.”

Tony smirks. “Language, Cap.”

Steve turns red. “Don’t fucking call me that!” He let go of Cap a long time ago. He just wants to be Steve and for people to see him and not the shield.

Tony sits on the edge of the armrest with his hands up trying to placate Steve. “Okay, okay, sorry. Didn’t mean to get your feathers ruffled.” Tony looks at him assessing. “You’ve changed. I like it. You’re more human now.”

Steve leans his head back against the glass. “I’m glad I can make someone happy.” Becca comes over, laying down and putting her head in Steve’s lap.

Tony chuckles, but it holds no mirth. “I’m not as hard to please as everyone thinks. Just kind of like what family I have to be safe.” It’s probably the most honest thing that Tony has ever said to Steve. “But I gotta tell ya, Ca...Steve, there’s a super soldier upstairs in the gym trying to destroy a punching bag. He’s been through more than DUM-E can count since we brought you back from New Zealand.” He’s up and moving now. Tony has a hard time sitting still. “New Zealand? Really? Could you have picked a more remote place?”

“You still found me.”

“Well yeah, we’re that good.” He rolls his eyes. “Okay, I’m that good.”

“Same old Tony.”

“What can I say, I’m the smartest person in the room…well in any room.” Tony’s arrogance used to bother Steve, but now he accepts it’s just how the man is.

“Unless Visions in the room.”

“Oh, look at that, Steve’s a smartass.” He comes and sits down next to Steve. “I think I’m going to like this guy.”

“Good to know.” Steve turns his head to look at Tony’s profile. “What do you want?”

Tony doesn’t look at him. “My mom said something to me once.” Very rarely does Tony bring up his mother. “She said that when a person has an intellect higher than everyone else’s and they don’t use it to help, they are a failure. I don’t know if she was talking about my dad or me. Sometimes I think both.” He heaves a sigh. “A few of years ago I asked Peter why he did what he did. He told me that when a person can do the things he can and they don’t, the bad things happen because of him.” Steve starts to interrupt thinking Tony is telling him he has an obligation. “Let me finish.” Steve nods. “I think he’s right, but I also think that there comes a point when people have given all they have to a cause and it’s time to step away. That time for you is now.” That’s unexpected and it must show on Steve’s face. “I know. You’re surprised that I’m so insightful.” He smiles. “When you dropped that shield in Siberia, I was surprised. No, that doesn’t even cover it. I was flabbergasted. Me, flabbergasted. I can’t believe I just used the word flabbergasted.” He shakes his head. “See I thought that was all you were. That _you_ defined yourself by that shield. It never occurred to me that anything could mean more to you that being Captain America. It never occurred to me that there was a war going on inside of you that dear ole dad didn’t know about.” He laughs. “It was satisfying to find out that I knew something about you that he didn’t.” He looks at Steve and waits for Steve to meet his eyes. “It’s also the moment that I realized how much I loved Pepper.” He reaches over and pats Steve’s hand. “I’m not a big believer in true love or soul mates, but if there is such a thing, Pepper’s mine.” Steve thinks he knows where this is going, but he’s afraid too. “I got over the anger and betrayal that I felt. It’s easy to get over it once I watched the tapes of what they did to him. How could I keep holding on to that anger when he went through all of that and how hard he fought to get himself back? I don’t know who Bucky Barnes was back in your day, but I know who he is now and he’s in love with you, Steve.” Steve is shaking his head. That can’t be right. 

“You can’t know that.”

“Really, I know everything. Okay, not as much as Pepper when it comes to stuff like this, but I’m right there, with the knowing lots of things.” Tony stands up and offers his hand. “He told me you stubborn ass. Flat out just said it, ‘I’m in love with him, Tony’.” Steve takes his hand and lets himself be pulled up. “Now would you please go up there and save the poor, defenseless punching bags.”

Steve starts to the gym, but stops himself. He wanders the hallways for awhile, then starts back to his quarters. He can’t do this, he can’t believe what Tony said because it would mean that…it would mean he’s hurt Bucky again by leaving him. He is not expecting to run into Pepper and Clint on the way. Clint looks at him, comes towards him and Steve braces for impact. Instead, Clint pulls him into a hug. “You owe me a shit ton of pizza for all of this.” And then, he walks away. 

Pepper hugs him. “I’m really glad you’re here.” He looks at her now instead of down the hall where Clint disappeared. “Tony was going crazy trying to locate you before Ross could.”

That brings a smile to his lips. “So, when’s the big day?”

“I’m still planning, but we were thinking later this year.” She looks at the ring on her finger. “I would just go to the courthouse and do it that way, but Tony being Tony…”

“Yes, Tony wants it big.” He’s nodding because he would have something big too, if for no other reason than showing off Bu…whoever. He doesn’t let himself think that because no matter what Tony said, he still doesn’t think it will work out.

“Maybe I’ll be planning something for you soon.” She’s blushing, but smiling.

“I don’t see that happening. Thanks though, you’d be the first person I would call.” 

He starts to walk away, back to his quarters. “Didn’t Tony come talk to you?”

He stops and hangs his head. Of course Pepper knows. “Uh…yeah…yeah, he did.”

She walks to him and puts her hand on his arm. Then without any warning, slaps him across the back of his head. His hair flies up and even though it didn’t hurt, he’s still stunned. “What was that for?”

“Stop. Being. Stupid!” She’s pacing the hallway now. “I swear, it’s like you’re all brainless wonders when it comes to love. If you don’t have someone telling you what to do, you act like children. I thought Tony was bad.” 

She’s working herself up into a true rant when Steve stops her. “I was headed to the gym to talk to him and chickened out.” 

“Well, he’s not in the gym anymore. He finished his murderous rage on the bags and went back to his quarters.” She takes his hand. “Come on, I’ll walk you there.”

“I can find it myself.” Steve feels like a scolded child.

He’s being dragged long. “No, not this time. You will talk to him. You will get this hashed out. And then you will live happily ever after because I said so.” She stops and turns to him. “You deserve this.”

Minutes later they’re outside Bucky’s door. Pepper has knocked and there is a muffled come in from the other side. She smiles and walks away. Steve opens the door and is not, in any way, prepared for what’s on the other side. Bucky is fresh out of the shower, still slightly wet, with a towel wrapped around his waist drying his hair with the other. And Steve is doing everything to calm his racing heart. Bucky isn’t just in good shape. He’s the epitome of fit. To Steve there isn’t a marble statue that’s ever been carved that looks as good as Bucky. He’s breathtaking. “See somethin ya like, pal?”

There’s no thought in Steve’s next words. They just leak from his mouth before his brain has a chance to say stop. “Uh…yeah…yeah, I do…” Bucky laughs long and hard at Steve. Steve is blushing from the tips of his ears to the soles of his feet. He turns in embarrassment to leave. “Sorry Buck, I’ll just…” He’s already out the door when he hears Bucky calling him. He’s in the hallway now still wrapped in just a towel calling Steve’s name. A hand lands on Steve’s arm. “I’m sorry, Bucky. It just came out. Ya had every right to laugh at me.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my Stevie?” Steve turns and is confronted with a face so confused and hurt, he’s not sure what to do.

“I don’t…”

“The Steve I know would have punched me in the face if he thought I was laughing _at_ him.”

Steve swallows hard. “Well, like I tried to tell everyone, I’m not that guy anymore.” He’s watching a water droplet slide down Bucky’s chest and it’s getting very distracting. “I just…I didn’t know I w-was going to say that before it came out and you deserve better than that.”

Bucky is smiling his thousand watt smile, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Oh, I don’t know, I think that’s as truthful as you’ve ever been.”

He takes Steve’s hand and leads him back into his quarters. He leaves Steve standing in the living room and goes into the bedroom. When he comes back a few minutes later, he’s wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. Steve misses the towel. “Tony and Pepper think we should talk. Tony thinks he’s got all the answers and Pepper slapped me for being stupid.” He knows he sounds nervous, but he is completely defenseless when he’s around Bucky now.

“Pep slapped ya? Huh? I’ll have to hug her later.” He chuckles. “We probably should talk. Ya know, before you try runnin on me again.”

Steve’s actually nervous now and his breathing speeds up. He really wishes Becca was here because this is going to turn into a full blown panic attack if he doesn’t get it under control quick. Then hands are on his face, forcing eye contact, and Bucky is looking at him like he knows just what’s happening. He takes one of Steve’s hands and puts it on his chest, right over his heart and then puts his hand back on Steve’s cheek. “Breathe with me, Stevie. Just like old times, follow my breathin. Don’t think, don’t do anything, but breathe with me.” And he does. He’s looking right into Bucky’s eyes and breathing through what he feels and it’s everything. Bucky is everything. 

He’s not aware that there are tears on his face until Bucky is wiping them away. Then he’s pulling him in. Their bodies pressed together and Bucky’s arms wrapped tightly around him. And he crumbles to the floor taking Bucky with him. “Sssshhhh, sweetheart. It’s okay.” Bucky gathers him up and pulls him into his lap. As big as Steve is, he folds himself into the only safe place he’s ever had. Bucky begins rocking him and rubbing soothing circles on his back. “I’ve got ya, Stevie. Nothin can hurt ya now.” He softly kisses the top of Steve’s head. “I think you might be a little more broken than I am.”

They somehow make it to the couch and Steve is wrapped up in Bucky’s arms. They’ve been this way for some time and Bucky hasn’t once seemed uncomfortable by it. He’s been running his fingers through Steve’s hair and every now and then whispering calming words into his ear. The sun has gone down and the only light in Bucky’s living room is coming from outside the windows. The darkness makes it easier to just be without any expectations on either of them. “You’re going to have to talk to me, sweetheart.” The endearment warms Steve in a way that he hasn’t been since before the war. When he would get sick and Bucky would get in bed with him and warm him from the cold. It was one of those nights, when his ma was working a double at the hospital that Steve had realized his feelings for Bucky were not friendship and certainly weren’t brotherly. Now, all these decades later, it still has the same effect on him. 

This is home.

“How bout I make a deal with you?” Steve shifts to let Bucky know he heard him and is listening. “How bout I tell you about me first?” Steve hums his ascent. Bucky tightens his hold. “No interruptions from the peanut gallery while I’m talkin though.” Steve nods into Bucky’s chest, but doesn’t move. Bucky shifts just a little and pulls Steve closer. “See, I think we’re both kinda stupid.” Steve snorts. “Yeah, I think we are. I knew back before I left for the war that I wasn’t feelin platonic toward ya. Not all those nights I climbed in bed with ya, was just to keep you warm.” Steve starts to move and Bucky holds him still. “Remember, no interrupting.” They settle back into the couch. “I thought you were beautiful then. When you were little and nothin but piss and vinegar.” He laughs to himself. “Then you show up to save me and here’s this Greek god standing over me with that same beautiful face. Gotta tell ya, Steve, nearly came in my pants just lookin at ya.” Steve rubs his face in Bucky’s shirt and sighs with a hitch in his breath. “I’da followed ya anywhere and that’s why I stayed. I know I coulda gone home on a medical discharge, but I just couldn’t leave ya there without me.” He starts really laughing now. “The guys knew too. Man did I get shit for it during watch some nights.” Steve struggles a little and Bucky is well aware why. “No Stevie, not like that. They didn’t care that I was in love with you, they just didn’t understand why I didn’t do anything about it. Of course, if I’d known then what I know now, I’dve been climbin in your sleeping bag every night.” 

Bucky kisses the top of Steve’s head. “I saw you fall from the helicarrier and just knew that I couldn’t let you die. The whole time I was under Hydra’s control I only felt my heart beat that fast twice. Once when you said my name on the bridge and the other when you were fallin.” His breath hitches now. “Godamn I can’t believe how much I loved you in that moment. It was like watchin myself fall, no, more like I was watchin my other half fall.” His fingers go back to playing with Steve’s hair. “I know you blame yourself for me fallin off the train, but that wasn’t on you. That was on Hydra, just like everything else. They took everything from me and you. They did this, not you.” He’s insistent on this fact. “When I came out of cryo and got fixed up, I didn’t handle things right.” 

Steve tries to interject, but is shushed again. “You were right, I was trying to be the old me and I couldn’t do it, so it seemed easier just to spend all my time with people that didn’t have an idea about who I was supposed to be.” He hugs Steve tight. “I’m so sorry, doll, I didn’t know it was hurting you, but I shoulda. It was always my job to protect you and I failed.” He’s shushed again when he tries to say something again. “When you left, it felt like everything I had been workin on just disappeared. I couldn’t go to therapy, hell, I couldn’t drag myself out of bed some days, I stopped eating for awhile.” Steve starts to mumble sorry repeatedly. “Sssshhh….ssshhhhh…it’s all okay. I shoulda known that something was wrong, but I was too caught up in finding my own way, that I didn’t see what I was doin to you.” The sound of Bucky’s voice lulls Steve into a sense of security. “When we did find you, you just seemed resigned to whatever fate was comin for you.” He huffs. “It kinda pissed me off sweetheart. I wanted to throttle ya right there. That’s when it really all came back. That’s when I remembered everything.” Bucky leans down and kisses Steve’s forehead. “That’s when I put two and two together and realized that I was so mad at you because I loved you so damn much.” Bucky rests his forehead against Steve’s. “I love you, Steven Grant Rogers. Unless you want me to call you Grant Barnes.” He’s smirking when Steve opens his eyes.

It takes very little wiggling to straddle Bucky’s lap. Steve cups his face and looks at him. He’s cried more in the last couple days that he ever thought he would again, but these tears are different. It’s like waking up one day and having everything he ever wished for. “I love you, Buck. More than I can even tell ya.”

Bucky pulls his hands away, kisses both palms and levels Steve with a serious glare. “Now, don’t start nothin yet, punk, we still got talkin to do and if you distract me, it won’t happen.” Steve starts to climb off, but Bucky stops him. “I didn’t say ya had to move.” And he grins while playing with Steve’s hands. “By the way, I don’t care if you ever pick up that shield again. I like the idea of you bein here paintin and becomin a famous artist. I also wouldn’t mind if you made me some more of that turkey and stuffin. That was damn good sweetheart. Although, your ma’s apple pie was better.”

Steve tries to look upset, but he can’t stop grinning. “Yeah, she had some secret ingredient that she put in it. I couldn’t figure out what it was.” He tries to look bashful. “I thought it was pretty good though.”

Bucky tips his chin up. “It was the best.”

“Right after my ma’s.”

“Yeah, right after your ma’s.” They laugh for a minute and then Bucky really does get serious. “You gotta talk to me now, Stevie.”

Suddenly, Steve is self conscious and nervous. He’s glad it’s dark so that Bucky can’t see him blush. He can take on Nazi’s and alien invaders, but Bucky makes him feel like he’s in grade school again. He takes a deep breath and starts. “When I was sixteen, I got real sick. You remember? It was January and I got pneumonia, again. Ma was workin a double shift at the hospital to pay for the medications and you were stayin with me.” Bucky is nodding. He does remember that night. Steve almost died that night. “My fever had come down a little before it shot back up.” Yep, Bucky remembers that vividly. “You climbed in bed because I kept sayin how cold I was. You got up behind me and pulled me against your chest. I remember thinkin that if I had to die, at least I had this.” He shivers at the memory. Bucky starts running his hands up and down Steve’s arms, like he used to. “When I came out of it a few days later, I knew. I just knew that I loved you.” He sniffles for a deep breath. “I started a lot of fights that spring because I was tryin to prove I was not a fairy.” Bucky pulls him in and Steve lays his head on his shoulder. “I couldn’t help it Buck, you were it for me. I knew I wasn’t ever gonna get married and not because the girls wouldn’t give me the time of day, but because it was you. Always you.” He starts playing with the hair at Bucky’s neck. “I never _wanted_ to kill anyone Buck, but when you went off that train, I didn’t care anymore. I needed to make’em pay.” Steve sits up to look at Bucky. “Now, don’t get mad, Buck,” Bucky’s eyes narrow like he knows Steve is going to, in fact, say something to annoy him. “But when I took that plane down, I didn’t care. I was almost grateful for it. We’d always said, ‘til the end of the line’ and you’d already gotten off.” 

Bucky pulls him in, clinging to him. “Jesus Stevie.” It’s whispered but audible. 

“When I came back everything was different. I went to our old neighborhood once, but you know, those places are so expensive. We couldn’t have even dreamed of living there back then. It would have been like Park Avenue in our day.” He laughs at the reality. “Anyway, you were gone and I was lost. So, I did what I thought was right and joined SHIELD. I did what they told me, goin through the motions. Then you were back and that’s all that mattered. I went on missions, did my duty, but I was always looking for you.” He raises his head again. “Choosing you over everything and everybody else wasn’t even a question. It was the easiest choice I’ve ever made.” 

He knows that Bucky is waiting for what comes next. “The night I left, you and the others were in the kitchen. You were making somethin and tellin a story about the Howlies. You were laughing and you never did that around me and you had everyone around you laughing. You sounded so happy.” Steve starts to stroke Bucky’s cheek. “How could I not want that for you all the time? But with me around, you weren’t that way. Leavin you there to make a life for yourself, was the second easiest decision I ever made. To know you had a life and family again, even if it didn’t include me, was all I needed.” Bucky crushes him to his chest and whispers a jumble of words that Steve doesn’t catch. “When you found me, I was resigned to whatever fate had in store because you had family again. I woulda gone to prison happy knowin that. I don’t want my old job back. I feel like I missed out on so much, Buck. I want to enjoy life instead of doing someone else’s shit.” A laugh from Bucky makes Steve happy inside. “Can you just let me make you happy for awhile?”

The smile that Bucky gets across his face is luminescent. It’s a smile that Steve’s never seen before and it makes his insides swoop. “You can be anything you want, Steve. You did all this so that I would be happy. Now it’s my turn to make sure you’re happy.” Reaching up, Bucky caresses Steve’s cheek. “I think we should go to bed now.” They get up and Steve drags his feet. “You alright?”

Steve stumbles when Bucky releases him. “You know, I’ve never done this before.”

Bucky grins. “Well, I’ve never been with a man either, doll, but the internet is a great thing and I got us covered.” Steve starts shuffling his feet. And then it hits Bucky like a freight train. “You mean, you’ve _never_ done this before?” Steve shakes his head. “I’m sure there were some opportunities.” Steve nods. “But it wasn’t me?” Steve nods again. Bucky sweeps Steve up off the floor and starts toward the bedroom and Steve does not squawk like a demented bird when it happens. “That is so hot, babydoll.” He throws Steve onto the bed. “I’m going to take care of you real good…repeatedly.” They are both smirking now. “Let me just take care of one thing first.” Steve looks puzzled. “FRIDAY.”

_Yes, Captain Barnes._

“Can you let Vision and Wanda know that they need to keep an eye on Becca tonight?” Wanda’s apartment is next to Steve’s, so it’s an easy request.

_Of course, Captain. Have a very good night._

“Snarky AI.” He turns back to Steve who is smiling with a level of adoration that Bucky is definitely not used to. “What?”

“You thought about my dog?”

“She’s _our_ dog.” Steve literally beams at him. “I can’t believe you named her after my sister.” Steve bursts out laughing. “Now, get out of those clothes, baby, I wanna to see all of you.”

Tony makes his rounds, like he does every night, unbeknownst to anyone except Pepper. Just checking on his family and making sure they are taken care of. He stops in to see Steve and ask how the talk went and is told by Wanda what FRIDAY had said. “Really? FRIDAY, where is Steve?”

_Captain Rogers is in Captain Barnes’ quarters._

“Be specific. Where in Cap’s quarters?”

_That’s bein a bit invasive don’t you think, Boss?_

“FRIDAY!”

_Captain Barnes and Captain Rogers are currently in bed._

“Are they sleeping?”

_They are not._

Tony shoots from the room and heads towards Bucky’s quarters. When he gets there, he almost wishes he hadn’t made the trip. He’s going to have to do something about this. “FRIDAY.”

_Yes, Boss._

“We’re going to need to sound proof this room.”

_That is advisable. I’ll take care of it tomorrow, boss._

“Wow…they are…WOW!”

_It is quite impressive._

“Good night FRIDAY.”

_Good night, Boss._


End file.
